What We've learned from Horror Movies

[occupant]

After watching countless horror movies for the past 50 years, I have learned a lot of things. I'm sure many of you have too. Feel free to share some tips here.


Slow moving monsters catch up to women running from them in the woods because women always trip and fall. Ladies, if you're going to walk around in dark, wooded places, either wear running shoes or arm yourselves with a wooden stake and a gun with silver bullets.

If the walls in your new house drip blood, your children have suddenly begun to speak in an ancient tongue and your dog won't cross the threshold to enter the house even when it's subzero outside, it's a safe bet that your house is haunted - get out ASAP!!!

Whatever you do, for goodness sake, don't build your home on top of ancient Indian burial grounds!

Girls, never babysit on Halloween no matter how much the neighbors offer to pay you.

Stay away from the last house on the left!

If a rotting corpse is chasing you, just keep running - the chances of your car starting is slim to none. Trust me on this one.

[NDX]

And stay away from the last house on dead end streets.

[occupant]

If you kill a monster, whatever you do, do not toss away your weapon, sit down and breathe a sigh of relief - he isn't really dead. Run as fast as you can and don't look back!!!

For the love of Mike, if you hear a demonic sounding voice in your house saying "GET OUT!" I'd say that's a pretty freakin' good piece of advise, I've got nothing to add to that.

Don't go down to the cellar to investigate creepy noises - especially if the power is out, what are ya stoopid or sumpthin?

[queenfreaky2]

haha awesome! I hate it when in horror films, the stupid teenage girl ALWAYS when being chased by a monster or serial killer, they, as u mentioned, either, (a) run through deserted and spooky woodlands, (b) run into the celler, or (c) run upstairs and barricade themselves in the attic or bedroom. Really pi**es me off!

also, when about to be confronted by something evil and terryfying people just freeze and stare at it, whilst awaiting imminenet death, instead of running the hell away.

and why investigate unusual and disturbing noises whilst in the dark by yourself?? leave the premises immediatly.

and finally, dont throw a party at halloween for drunk horny teenagers wearing miniscule amounts of clothing (sorry, costumes). It never ends well. Someone will die.

[gorepolice]

Don't have sex and then walk 5 miles away to go pee, you will be killed.

Also, never use the phrase "I'll be right back."

[occupant]

If you're a woman traveling alone, never stay at a motel out in the middle of nowhere where you are the only guest. If, however, you won't listen to the voice of reason, then please, and I can't stress this enough, check behind the mirrors & paintings for peep holes before undressing, sleep with one eye open and don't take a shower!!!

If you happen to find a strange, leather-bound book of incantations in a crawlspace in or under your house, do not read aloud from this book. Also, don't call your friends over to look at it because, without fail, one of them will read an incantation aloud just for laughs and by morning the forensic team will be there scraping your remains off of the ceiling into Hazmat zip lock baggies.

If you absolutely must drive through a state where there is nothing but miles and miles of cornfields, have a back-up plan in case your car breaks down. I suggest hitching a trailer with motorcycles to your car so you can abandon the vehicle and get the hell out of there. Take my word for it, you really don't want to know what's coming out of those cornfields when the sun goes down.

[endo]

Man, these are great, lol. Keep em coming!!

[occupant]

If you are a young child, be advised that there are no circuses down under the street. If you see a clown in the storm drain, run all the way home and tell your parents. If you're a grown up and you see a clown in a storm drain and you decide to engage him in conversation, you deserve everything that's coming to you because you're too stupid to live.


Let's be perfectly clear here - REDRUM is MURDER backwards. If your kid is getting out of bed at night sounding like he's channeling Froggy from the Little Rascals and shouting RED-RUM, RED-RUM, RED-RUM!!! he's not pretending to be a thirsty pirate and you've got bigger fish to fry than a naughty child who won't stay in bed. Grab your coats and boots, it's check out time. Oh yeah, and pray your bat swing is better than your choice in men.

[endo]

You guys had me and the wife laughing out loud there for a bit. Nice thread.

[occupant]

If a young child confides in you, and I quote, "I see dead people" - well how can I put this delicately, you bought the farm dude, you just didn't have the good sense to lay down and take the proverbial dirt nap. Likewise if you are the only survivor of a crash that ended with your car at the bottom of a river. Those creepy wet, melanin challenged people that keep trying to get you to dance to calliope music at an abandoned carnival by the sea are your new neighbors. My best advice to you is don't be unsociable, you're going to be spending eternity with them.

If Death challenges you to a contest for your immortal soul, choose one of the following: Battleship, Tabletop Electric Football, Clue or Twister, he totally sucks at those games. Stay away from Chess, he always wins, oh and don't Melvin him, it just pizzes him off.

Girls, if your Mom calls your breasts "dirty pillows" and she beats you over the head with a Bible and locks you in the closet because you got your first period, it's pretty much a given you're going to wind up in a prom dress covered in pig blood. Save yourself a lot of heartache, skip the prom, run away and join a traveling circus. At least you could make a decent living off your telekinetic powers working as a knife thrower.

[gorepolice]

Don't bury children in a pet cemetery.

If you are living in a world full of zombies, always keep a blade handy because you will eventually run out of bullets.

[queenfreaky2]

dont play with ouija boards that u found in the basement/attic/under the floorboards./the bottom of a river/ buried in the garden. It was out there for a reason. And dont make your own at farternity parties when drunk with a bunch of equally drunk friends.

dont draw any pretty symbols on the floor/ceiling in chalk/paint/blood especially if they a combination of star and circle shapes and u first saw them in a dusty stained book that smelt bad and was found buried next to the above mentioned ouija board.

if u see ur neighbours digging tomb sized spaces in their back garden on a regular basis, move house.

if your tv flickers a lot and continuously cuts out to static and white noise dont allow your children to stare at it.

[occupant]

Here's a tip for the guys - if you bring your date to the local lover's lane, only you can prevent bad juju. Under no circumstances should you bring up urban legends like the hitchhiker by the cemetery or the lunatic with the metal hook for a hand who escaped from the Asylum. This falls under the "if you build it, they will come" clause.

Ladies, if you're pregnant and your eccentric elderly neighbors want to give you a piece of jewelry, keep this in mind: tennis bracelet = good, tannis necklace = bad.

If you set out to stake a vampire while he sleeps in his coffin and it's getting close to sundown - for goodness sake, turn around and go home! The next morning at sunrise, instead of having breakfast and relaxing with the morning paper, go stake the vamp. Geez, I shouldn't even have to tell you this, it's stake & eggs, get it?

Mothers, please don't let unseen entities use your little girl as a hockey puck - not even if she's wearing protective gear.

[endo]

Stake and eggs. Nice one.