The 11 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

[gorepolice]

Scott has been asking what's on my list since I mention movies that are among the worst I've ever seen. After much procrastinating, here is that list. I've only included movies I've watched from beginning to end (even though some fast forwarding may have been involved), so some that may be even worse didn't make this list, such as Chainsaw Sally or Space Zombie Bingo.

11.Garden of the Dead (1974) - Convicts get high off of an experimental formaldehyde, attempt a prison break, get killed and then come back to life. Does this even sound like a remotely good idea for a movie!? Despite being only an hour long, it feels like it drags on for eternity. The horrible, dimly lit film and crappy effects don't help.

10. You Don't Mess With The Zohan (2008) - Remember when Adam Sandler made funny movies? Me too, but this is a movie that shows just how bad he's gotten. A special agent fakes his death so he can come to America and be a hair stylist? Dumb, but not the worst premise of all time. The premise is the least of the problems here.

First off, this movie has no reason to be 2 hours long. Why in the world would anybody think this idea could go on for, let alone be funny for that period of time? I almost turned this thing off, but reluctantly saw it through. the accents are atrocious, so much so that I needed subtitles to understand what the hell was being said. Oh yeah, and Adam Sandler having sex with old ladies? No thanks!

9. Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist (2004) - Yes, you read that title correctly. A sludge metal soundtrack follows a guy crucifying women for 64 minutes. Wanna know what's even better? THE WHOLE THING IS IN SLOW MOTION! Only reason this isn't higher was because I fast forwarded damn near the entire thing.

8. Bridesmaids (2011) - Horrible in every sense of the word. Scenes go on too damn long, the fat woman is the gross one (how stereotypical), 2 of the bridesmaids are barely given screen time or characters, and we follow a non-bridesmaid in the horribly boring and unfunny Kristen Wiig for most of the film. Absolute trash.

7. Nekromantik 2 (1991) - Man, what a boring ass film this was. I love the first movie, but this is just a drag. I understand the director didn't want to rehash the first, but this comes off more like a boring date movie than a horror film. The only worthwhile moment is the decapitation/sex scene at the end.

There are a ton of boring moments in here that add nothing to the movie at all. The initial sex scene with the corpse is long, drawn out and boring, the sex scenes between the main character and her boyfriend are boring, the theater scene is boring. Did I mention this movie is BORING AS HELL?!

6. Curse of the Cannibal Confederates (1982) - Also known as Curse of the Screaming Dead. This was repackaged and re-edited by Troma, but nothing could be done to make this film good.

The acting is deplorable, the lighting is horrendous, and the scenes where the zombies eat their victims not only look cheap, but go on for what feels like an hour. The ending also makes no sense. All I can say is "Stop playing your idiot games!"

5. 964 Pinocchio (1991) - This used to be the worst film I ever saw, but now it's number 5. Scary. Anyway, this is about a malfunctioning sex robot who is thrown out and becomes friends with a homeless woman. Turns out people aren't supposed to know he exists, so the lab that created him go on a hunt to bring him back and destroy him.

This could have been decent, but man did it ever suck. Scenes go on for way too damn long (him trying to learn to say his own name, the vomiting scene, the part where he's running through the street screaming help me for about 10 minutes) and on top of that, the acting is so over the top that it gets very obnoxious very quickly.

4. Rubber (2010) - I was excited to see this and I was so let down. A movie about a tire that has psychic powers and makes people's heads explode? Sounds right up my alley! Turns out, that's not quite the case.

The movie is actually about a group of people watching the movie happen right in front of them. The opening scene with the director sets the obnoxious tone, then even the audience in the movie talk about how boring it is while also pointing out the plot holes and general stupidity of it all. Just a sad, sad movie.

3. Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008) - I love the Sleepaway Camp series. I own 1-3 and made a movie day out of it and my friends all loved them too. I saw this but never picked it up. I streamed it on Netflix and now am glad I didn't pick this piece of ish up.

Where to begin? This films ignores 2 and 3 completely which is alright by me. However, we are introduced to the most awful, hyper-stereotyped and unlikeable characters in the history of movies. Everyone is dumb, gross and an obnoxious prick. Am I supposed to like or even care about a single one of these people?

The effects are also terrible, aside from 2 decent ones at the VERY END of the film. The soundtrack is also awful.

This movie took a series I loved and took a giant ish all over it. The only cool thing was an ending cameo from the original Angela (Felissa Rose). I want to beat the hell out of the writer/director with a spiked bat after watching this.

2. Necromaniac (1999) - The sequel to Schizophreniac: The Whore Mangler (which I haven't seen). Wow, this movie is what happens when you take 2 people with zero talent, give them a camera that appears to be from the 80's and tell them to write the plot of a film on the palm of their hands. There is no excuse for a movie of this type to ever be made.

Do I care that the filming is bad? Not really. How about the shitty effects? Nah, to be expected honestly. What I at least expected was a script and perhaps some passable dialog. Apparently, that was too much to ask for.

The movie is mainly our main character Harry Russo cross dressing, killing, shouting obscenities at either the screen, his victims or his dummy Rubberneck and playing with his junk for 88 torturous minutes. I don't think more than 2 scenes were actually written down and planned. How many times can I listen to a guy talk about sticking his junk in somebody's ass and using racial slurs, or whacking off before it becomes tiresome? Just a complete embarrassment all around.

1. Begotten (1990) - This is so bad. 78 minutes of boring, pretentious bullshit that means absolutely nothing. A guy kills himself, a woman emerges from the filth, whacks him off, gets pregnant, gives birth to some convulsing defect of life and the rest of the movie is walking through the desert. Oh, but then after the walking, they rape the woman, dismember her and bury her pieces, then proceed to smash this defect's head in and bury him too. Then flowers grow. The end. What?!

There are no words spoken, and only some really obnoxious and annoying music in the background. It's in black and white but they used some weird effects to make this crap have some "distinctive visual style" which only served to make the film look blurry and dark so you don't know what the hell is happening at times.

This film has gotten praise and is very sought after, but I couldn't tell you why. It fails at being...anything.

[occupant]

Wow, just wow!

[NDX]

Sad thing is, I bought number 9 off of you. For $2. I paid the same for REPO! JC:SR was a better choice.

[endo]

Nice list and great descriptions of the movies. I'll definitely avoid all of these. Thanks.

[NDX]

Now it's my goal to make sure he's right about a few of these. Some I definitely won't *coughNEKROMANTIK2cough*

[gorepolice]

There you go Scott. Are you happy now?

[NDX]

Very. How, how about a top 11!?

[gorepolice]

A top 11 is also possible. So many good movies, gonna be hard to narrow that one down.

[NDX]

I'll accept a top 20 as well.

[gorepolice]

I posted this list on my facebook and damn near caused a riot due to my inclusion of Bridesmaids. Apparently this turned into a study of my personality. Never knew I could elicit such reactions from people.

[NDX]

You have to be crazy. The awards are loving the ish out of it!

And this is where I roll my eyes.

[gorepolice]

Well we all know that once somebody has an opinion out of the norm, something is OBVIOUSLY wrong with them. If that were the case, I'd have been institutionalized long ago.

That, or if it were my job to piss people off, I'd be a damn billionaire.

[NDX]

You and me both, my friend. You and me both.

[gorepolice]

I think somebody owes us a few hundred checks.